apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
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