she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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