he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize