Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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