we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
