I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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