Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
