atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
