Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
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We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
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He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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