Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
