I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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