Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
