I faked an abortion last night.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
