the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
