Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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