I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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