Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
