We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
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why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
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While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
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after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.