Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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