I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
