I cut my penus on the lid.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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