it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
