i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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