I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
