So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
