dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
