Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
