I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize