My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
