Do you still have your period?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
