Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
