if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
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