thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
