my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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