You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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