A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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