good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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