How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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