my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
