I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Why did my mother make you get naked?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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