Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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