Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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