she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
