Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
