omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
