I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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