Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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