im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
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