I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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