Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
