my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
