Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
