Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
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If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
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So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
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