remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
