I want you more than these girls want KFC
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
