so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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