I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
